My fellow…er, I forgot, you're not Americans.

Once again, I'm invoking September 11th in a transparent play for your sympathies. I don't know why; you folks here don't matter a hoot, really. But I've got to do something about my slide in approval, and I figure if I can get some of you to kick in for the bill on this Iraq thing, it might help.

It's sad that that guy from Brazil who worked for the UN got blown up. I'll say his name to try to convince you I care about the UN, and show off my Texican pronounciation of a Portugese name.

And the security council said that Saddam whatshisface was a Bad Man. So I really don't understand how you all could be so pissed at me for trying to blow him up and killing a couple of Muslim-speaking foriegners in the process. I mean, what gives?

I mean, you all asked “how high?” when I asked you to jump all over Afghanistan. And we've got some of your Kraut and Frog-speaking guys getting shot at in Kabul. So I really don't get why you aren't all over this Iraq thing. And, remember, I've carried the whole bill for those mercenaries from DynCorp to keep Karzai's ass from getting riddled with bullets.

Now I'm spending a shitload of money to pay Haliburton and Bechtel to build a new Iraq so we can get some of the oil we have coming to us after September 11 (I somehow overlooked the fact that Afghanistan doesn't have any). And I'm going to give you guys a chance to get in on the ground floor on this deal. All you have to do is give me some troops who speak something other than American, to make this thing look legit to the people who keep whining about how I did this without international consensus, whatever that means, and I promise I won't invade any of your countries for supporting terrorism.

I'll say a few things about some bones that I've instructed Congress to throw you, like AIDS research and relief funding that I still haven't spent, and that slavery law, er, anti-slavery law we passed to tax countries that still sell people. Really, I'm a good guy, and I'm looking out for you.

But God says I'm right, and I'll invade anybody who says otherwise.

May God bless America, er, y'all.