My wife comes to me this morning, phone and credit card statement in hand: “We've got to get rid of the Providian card.” We had just gotten hit with the annual fee for the card, which we had cut up long ago, and are on the cusp of paying off. With a mortgage application out there on the horizon, we wanted to reduce our outstanding credit lines.

So we called Providian. Providian is famous( or some might say infamous) for turning any customer call into a telemarketing opportunity. The hard sellers are immediately put onto the line when you call to cancel your card. So, what started as a simple “we've cut up our cards” call turned into a 15-minute haggling session, from which we emerged with a more digestible fee assessment (another fee was waived to reduce the annual fee impact) and an interest rate reduction of 6 percent. Instead of cutting our cards off completely, we cut our credit line in half.

This, I suspect, is a situation that more and more businesses will face over the next year as competition for existing market share in the absence of growth–customers asking, “What have you done for me lately?” Car buyers are already conditioned to expect low-interest loans and other premiums when they come into the showroom; Wireless companies are forced to expand the value of their services while still competing on price. Grocers already squeeze concessions from packaged-goods suppliers in exchange for premium shelf space. It's just a matter of time before the whole economy is either Wal-Marted or forced to negotiate terms of sale on a case-by-case basis.

Picture the following exchange, not too far into the future:

Customer Service: “Hello, New York Times customer service.”

Me : “Hi, this is Sean Gallagher. I'm cancelling my subscription.”

Customer Service: “Is there a problem with your service?”

Me: “No, I just get too many newspapers. I get the Times, the Wall St. Journal, the Baltimore Sun…and besides, I just got this offer from the Washington Post for a subscription rate that's half what I pay for the Times.”

Customer Service”Well, Mr. Gallagher, I see you're a long-time reader; I'm authorized to offer you a lower subscription rate…”

Me:”My kid is getting a hernia taking out the paper recycling. I need less paper, not just a lower subscription rate.”

Customer Service:”We can cut your rate by half, and offer daily used-paper pickup. The delivery person can take your previous papers for recycling for you.”

Me:”Hmmm…including my non-Times papers? At no charge?”

Customer Service:”Yes, sir.”

Me: “Can he walk my dog, too?”

Now, this is all theoretical (I don't even own a dog). But it's not inconcievable for businesses to find themselves in the position of taking on ever-expanding service requirements just to retain paying customers. And the guy who delivers my papers could pick them back up again, since he delivers from a car, saving me the hassle of dealing with Baltimore's byzantine recycling schedule. I might even be willing to pay three-quarters of my current subscription rate for that service…

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Alan Greenspan personally for his work in boosting the value of my equity in my home through his <a href=decimation of the stock and bond markets. Since real estate is the only sure thing left to invest in, and interest rates for mortgages are so low, people are taking money out of their tax shelters in droves to invest in anything that doesn't move. And that means that the selling price of houses in my neighborhood have gone up 100% over the past 7 years.

Of course, the price of any house we'd move into if we sold right now has also gone up. So the value of our equity in trading up to another home has, essentially, unchanged. If I had bought my house as an investment, and decided to cash out on it now, I'd be a very happy capitalist (especially with Dubya having cut capital gains taxes by 15%). However, as somebody who needs someplace to live, my gain is illusory.

Sure, I could stay where I am, refinance at a lower rate based on the artificially inflated value of my home, and take all that money down to Wal-Mart and buy me a really nice air rifle to plunk rats in the alley with. And then I'd be doing my part to pump up the economy, now wouldn't I? Converting equity into new debt, trading trading future opportunities for a quick buck and instant gratification–it's the American Way. That's why my ex-wife is working all that overtime at the title company, as her lawyer bosses skim their unfair share off the refi traffic. The banks and lawyers always seem to win, don't they?

But where was I…oh yes, Alan Greenspan. Fighter of deflation, stimulator of growth. What a guy. Keep those rates low, Alan, so I can afford the big honking mortgage I'll undoubtedly have to take out to afford the modest upgrade in housing that I hope to acquire in the next few months. Love ya, baby.